Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Bike is short for Bichael.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.