@Rlpihl

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

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@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@tildawhirl

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

@PLATINUM2000

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

@mud_Iark

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

@rusty_coach

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

@Sarrah_Sloan

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

@GoldenSpirals

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

@hyperblastchic

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..