Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
You Might Also Like
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Pizza is an emotion right?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀