Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
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1.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*