[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 馃槈
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I ate everything, including the H.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you鈥檙e purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn鈥檛 mean it like that!
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I am so desperate for summer I鈥檓 actually looking forward to wasps.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Therapist: And what do we do when we鈥檙e feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.