Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I think about this a lot
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.