*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
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remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)