*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar