Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
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Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
White parent Vs Arab parents
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.