Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
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All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?