Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
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Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower