[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.