Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
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My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
This could’ve been an email.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
He just like my cat fr
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.