girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
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I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.