Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
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I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling