girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
You Might Also Like
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”