girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
#Caturday
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.