Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
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*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL