GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Netflix and scream at our children?!
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
fixed it
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.