Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
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Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
mom gave me mine for free
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.