Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.


ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.


“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review


Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.


6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first


[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK


If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.


[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”


The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.