I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
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ME: No minibar?
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.