girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
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All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I hate my earbuds.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Why are bridges so flammable.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today