Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

“I FIXED IT!”

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.