*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
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Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Cndnsd Mlk
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
spot the difference
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what