@Sloppy_Tiger

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

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@ThisOneSayz

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

@batkaren

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

@AdamBroud

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

@un_d_ciphered

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

@roastmalone_

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

@Jennifergr8

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

@HatfieldAnne

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.