[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
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Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.