Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
💯😂
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.