“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
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I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda