Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
everyone’s a critic
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.