Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
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In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
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“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
This is my emotional support knife.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.