Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever