Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
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[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Haha! 😂
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?