@Dawn_M_ Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
@EndhooS Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
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@Dawn_M_ 
@JohnLyonTweets Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
@TheTweetOfGod Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
@simoncholland Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
@onion_an [looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
@KentWGraham We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
@dumbbeezie No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
@daemonic3 ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
@Marlebean P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
@slimmy_shady Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.