[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
You Might Also Like
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.