[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
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[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
oh my gosh!!
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it