*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 馃槱馃槏馃槏馃槏
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Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so鈥hanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I鈥檓 not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
If Christian Bale鈥檚 voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I鈥檓 so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Here鈥檚 my thread about the spiders I鈥檝e taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we鈥檙e texting
Him: I heard it
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again