GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
You Might Also Like
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]