Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
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I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments