@FauxFawx *calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
@daemonic3 Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
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@FauxFawx 
@JeremySchuetze Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
@Slygirl08 They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
@AimeeHelene1 *picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
@Ideal_Victoria I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
@notalogin God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
@The_Sculptress I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
@TheAlexNevil “If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
@ZombieProblms I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.