@daemonic3

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

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@FauxFawx

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

@Slygirl08

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

@AimeeHelene1

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

@Ideal_Victoria

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

@notalogin

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

@The_Sculptress

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

@TheAlexNevil

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

@ZombieProblms

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.