Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
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nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is