girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
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Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Go girl power!
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Every time my phone rings
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise