Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.