girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
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Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Wait for it
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe