Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.