[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
#CatsOnTwitter
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.