Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
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Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting