GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
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another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Canada has crack?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.