Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
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[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.