girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Just grow your own
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that