Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough