Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

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Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.


I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.


To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.


I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.


Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.


It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.


Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.