Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker