GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
opening twitter today
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better