@Halbeerz
@Moemontes To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
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@Moemontes 
@TheAndrewNadeau No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
@girl_a_whirl My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
@Jandalize Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
@RocketRankoon A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
@Quartzjixler I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
@nathanwpyle app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
@thecassiecao before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
@ddsmidt My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
@TheAlexNevil “I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
