Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.