@Halbeerz

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

You Might Also Like

@Moemontes

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

@TheAndrewNadeau

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

@girl_a_whirl

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

@Jandalize

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

@RocketRankoon

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

@Quartzjixler

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

@nathanwpyle

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

@thecassiecao

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

@ddsmidt

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.