Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

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To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!


No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.


My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.


Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.


A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.


I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.


app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later


before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!


My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.