Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
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My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted